Pub 34, Day 12 – The Closed Shop

By Andy

I once read that only optimistic people are late. The theory goes that if your glass is half-full, you think you can achieve more than is possible in any given period of time. Of course, you then go on to fail spectacularly and piss off all your mates by turning up at twenty-past.

On this occasion, me and Rob had arranged to meet a few friends outside The Hallamshire House at 8pm. Ending up on the same bus as each other, we both arrived at 7:55. Whilst waiting for the others, it came to our attention that we were just yards away from The Closed Shop, another pub we had yet to visit. One quick drink, we reasoned, would hardly be a hanging offence. An in-and-out job: up to the bar, order a pint, gulp it down and be back at The Hallamshire for 8:00. No problem.

It took about 30 seconds before our optimistic plan went spectacularly wrong.

We ordered two pints of Vespers, a porter from Abbeydale Brewery. The barman was halfway through pulling our pints when tragedy struck. The reassuring sound of pint-pouring was replaced by a sharp hissing noise. The coal-coloured liquid oozing into the glass was replaced by nothing but foam.

“Sorry guys, it's gone. You'll have to have one Vespers and one of something else. Into The Abyss is quite similar.”

Me and Rob looked at each other aghast. We spluttered, we swore, we clasped our hands to our heads in disappointment. The barman had presumably never seen anyone quite so distraught by such mundane news

“But this is Pubquest! We're visiting every pub in Sheffield, and having a different pint in each one! It is absolutely out of the question that we don't drink the same thing. I suggest you get on the phone to Abbeydale Brewery, and demand they bring you another barrel of Vespers immediately!” we thought.

“Yeah that's fine, no worries, we'll have one Vespers and one Into The Abyss,” we said.

The pints came. I didn't even care which was which. We slumped off to a table to begin the inquest.

“Well this doesn't count,” announced Rob.

I agreed. We couldn't start drinking different pints to each other, or it would be possible for one of us to succeed at Pubquest while the other failed. Whatever the outcome, we had to either triumph as a team or go down in a blaze of glory together.

There was only one option: we had to finish these pints, then return to the bar and order again. Our quick drink at The Closed Shop had already turned into two.

Rob got out his phone to compose a text: “Sorry, gonna be 5 minutes late, we're stuck in a bit of traffic at the moment.” We couldn't quite bring ourselves to admit we were across the road, drinking without them.

To pass the time we hit the pool table. I took the first frame just as we finished our drinks. On our second trip to the bar, we went for two pints of Hophead. Thankfully, there was enough to go around.

By 8:15, things were looking rosy again. Hophead was a lovely light pint, a delight to drink quickly. It would simply be one more frame of pool and a few more sips of beer until we emerged from the traffic jam.

Unfortunately, disaster struck again.

I must admit, this one was my own fault. I cracked under the pressure. With just one sip of my Hophead left, I was on the black ball. Perfect timing. Taking my last gulp, I rolled the black into the middle pocket.

Except it missed. Catching the inside jaw a fraction too early, it settled roughly 0.01mm from glory. Rob made no mistake, levelling the session at one frame each. As any self-respecting man knows, you can't leave a pool match at 1-1...

“Best of three?” Rob asked. I had already put the coin in the slot.

Rob went to get the next round in. As any self-respecting man knows, you can't play a frame of pool without a pint in your hand...

While I was waiting for Rob's return, I got out my phone to send an update: “Still stuck in traffic I'm afraid. Think there must have been an accident or something...”

I also took the opportunity to cast my eye around the pub. A lovely old-fashioned ale house, The Closed Shop had transformed itself from “a quick pint” to somewhere we didn't want to leave. With a raised pool table and a selection of books and board games, it had enough facilities to keep me entertained for hours. A nearby group had ordered food and it looked spectacular – a towering burger and proper chips. Needless to mention the pub had a breathtaking array of beers – Vespers, Into The Abyss and Hophead had all hit the spot.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the only problem with the entire pub was that the pool table clearly had a burning, passionate hatred for me. In the deciding frame, the pockets kept rejecting my shots, the balls ricocheting away into unpottable positions. In contrast, Rob couldn't miss, and he soon wrapped up the win.

Inebriated to the tune of 3 pints and optimistic to the tune of 45 minutes, we finally crossed the road to meet our friends.

Closed Shop pool score: Andy 1-2 Rob

Pubquest pool score: Andy 30-20 Rob

Pub: The Closed Shop (52-54 Commonside, S10 1GG)
Rating: 9/10
Pint: Hophead  
Brewery: Dark Star Brewing Company (Partridge Green, West Sussex)

NEXT UP: Making excuses, at The Hallamshire House...